we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
