I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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