Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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