I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
