I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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