wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
