I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
