I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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