theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
