I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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