he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
