I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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