is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
