I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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