So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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