I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
