I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
