My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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