NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
