this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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