I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
