she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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