Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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