he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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