just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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