She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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