She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
