dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
