I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
And then he peed in my hair
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