ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
