we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
