There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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