he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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