1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
