I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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