You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
