I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
