She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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