god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
