I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
