it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
