So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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