I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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