If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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