I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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