the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
