the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
