Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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