I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
