Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
