If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
