I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
