my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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